A Quick Lesson on Support
A while back I wrote a post entitled "Things NOT to say to a Depressed Person" which was all about how not to be supportive. On the flip side of that, some people don't know how to actually be supportive, and so here are some ways in which you CAN help. These tips are aimed towards depression, but can also be applied to other mental illnesses such as anxiety and eating disorders etc etc.
#1: Decide That It's Your Problem.
The first step in supporting someone is deciding whether or not you're completely up to the task whether it's your friend or a family member. If you don't think you're fully prepared to help, then don't. Seriously. You have to be dedicated to this person's recovery, and fully aware of the fact that this is probably going to effect you too. I realise this sounds completely ominous, but if you tell someone you're always there for them, and then realise it's something too big for you to handle, you can really damage their trust in you, or in people in general. Once you've made this decision, you're in it to the end, my pal. No take-backs. Sorry, I don't make the rules. Still interested in helping? Good - now on with the tips.
#2: Educate Yourself
It's a whole lot easier to support someone if you're coming from a place of understanding. Research depression, read up articles on mental illnesses and try your hardest to understand not only the scientific side of it, but the social factors. Here are a list of possibly helpful articles, in case you're unsure of what to look for (although, a good old Google search tends to do the trick...)
How Can Friends and Family Help?
Helping A Depressed Person
Signs of Depression
#3: Ask Them HOW You Can Help?
This is so important because each person is different, and depression affects every person in a different way. Only the person suffering can fully know what is going to make them feel worse or better, and so allowing them to set their own boundaries can be beneficial for both of you. This let's them know that you're willing to help, but you're not going to push it if they're not comfortable; it allows them to say "please give me space" or "please just be here" and it hands them the power in the situation. It's a thousand times better than just assuming that they need space and leaving them feeling ignored, or crowding them in an attempt to be omnipresent.
#4: Encourage Them To Talk To Someone...
...but don't be offended if they don't choose you. Say to them that you're there, but that you'll understand if they'd rather not share things with you. Sometimes, telling someone you're close to that you're struggling is a lot more daunting than telling a complete stranger. For me, I can happy offload my feelings on the internet but as soon as I am confronted about them I find myself completely tongue-tied. I am fully aware that my friends will support me, and that I can talk to them, but sometimes talking to them isn't entirely helpful, and they understand that too.
#5: Be Aware
Without 'monitoring' them, be mindful of any red-flags. If their personality changes dramatically, or if they're posting worrying things on twitter etc, just pop them a message or let them know you're there. If you're seriously concerned for their safety, let someone around them know of the situation. They may feel betrayed, but you'd much rather them feel betrayed and alive, than dead, right?
#6: Recognise The Seriousness
There is nothing worse than telling someone something you're struggling with, and having them dismiss it. If you don't fully understand it then TELL THEM. Say "I am not going to pretend I understand what you're going through, but I know it's something you're struggling with and I want to help" or something along those lines that doesn't sound like an awful therapist wrote it.
And this is a personal one but this really helps me, and it might benefit other people but...
#7: Allow Them To Be Candid
It is so much easier to talk about something like depression if it isn't a Very Serious Conversation. It's a lot easier to talk to fellow sufferers for that reason - not only do they understand it, but you're more comfortable joking about it. If I can talk casually about it, then I am more likely to be honest, because a massive coping mechanism for me if I get really bad is to treat the situation with (albeit slightly morbid) humour.* I realise that for non-sufferers this isn't entirely irrelevant or even something that makes complete sense but it's something to bear in mind.
I hope this was slightly helpful, feel free to comment or message me if it wasn't, because I understand that this is a very broad subject and everyone is different. These are all based on my experiences or experiences of people I know, and so obviously, there are some things that would help me and not someone else, so always remember to never assume.
One final thing you can do, on a more national scale, is sign this pledge to end the stigma against mental illnesses, because a lack of understanding and knowledge leads to misinformed opinions which can be highly damaging.
*Obviously this isn't an invitation to make jokes. There is a difference between me making jokes about something I'm struggling with, and someone ELSE making jokes about something I suffer with, if that makes any sense whatsoever.
#1: Decide That It's Your Problem.
The first step in supporting someone is deciding whether or not you're completely up to the task whether it's your friend or a family member. If you don't think you're fully prepared to help, then don't. Seriously. You have to be dedicated to this person's recovery, and fully aware of the fact that this is probably going to effect you too. I realise this sounds completely ominous, but if you tell someone you're always there for them, and then realise it's something too big for you to handle, you can really damage their trust in you, or in people in general. Once you've made this decision, you're in it to the end, my pal. No take-backs. Sorry, I don't make the rules. Still interested in helping? Good - now on with the tips.
#2: Educate Yourself
It's a whole lot easier to support someone if you're coming from a place of understanding. Research depression, read up articles on mental illnesses and try your hardest to understand not only the scientific side of it, but the social factors. Here are a list of possibly helpful articles, in case you're unsure of what to look for (although, a good old Google search tends to do the trick...)
How Can Friends and Family Help?
Helping A Depressed Person
Signs of Depression
#3: Ask Them HOW You Can Help?
This is so important because each person is different, and depression affects every person in a different way. Only the person suffering can fully know what is going to make them feel worse or better, and so allowing them to set their own boundaries can be beneficial for both of you. This let's them know that you're willing to help, but you're not going to push it if they're not comfortable; it allows them to say "please give me space" or "please just be here" and it hands them the power in the situation. It's a thousand times better than just assuming that they need space and leaving them feeling ignored, or crowding them in an attempt to be omnipresent.
#4: Encourage Them To Talk To Someone...
...but don't be offended if they don't choose you. Say to them that you're there, but that you'll understand if they'd rather not share things with you. Sometimes, telling someone you're close to that you're struggling is a lot more daunting than telling a complete stranger. For me, I can happy offload my feelings on the internet but as soon as I am confronted about them I find myself completely tongue-tied. I am fully aware that my friends will support me, and that I can talk to them, but sometimes talking to them isn't entirely helpful, and they understand that too.
#5: Be Aware
Without 'monitoring' them, be mindful of any red-flags. If their personality changes dramatically, or if they're posting worrying things on twitter etc, just pop them a message or let them know you're there. If you're seriously concerned for their safety, let someone around them know of the situation. They may feel betrayed, but you'd much rather them feel betrayed and alive, than dead, right?
#6: Recognise The Seriousness
There is nothing worse than telling someone something you're struggling with, and having them dismiss it. If you don't fully understand it then TELL THEM. Say "I am not going to pretend I understand what you're going through, but I know it's something you're struggling with and I want to help" or something along those lines that doesn't sound like an awful therapist wrote it.
And this is a personal one but this really helps me, and it might benefit other people but...
#7: Allow Them To Be Candid
It is so much easier to talk about something like depression if it isn't a Very Serious Conversation. It's a lot easier to talk to fellow sufferers for that reason - not only do they understand it, but you're more comfortable joking about it. If I can talk casually about it, then I am more likely to be honest, because a massive coping mechanism for me if I get really bad is to treat the situation with (albeit slightly morbid) humour.* I realise that for non-sufferers this isn't entirely irrelevant or even something that makes complete sense but it's something to bear in mind.
I hope this was slightly helpful, feel free to comment or message me if it wasn't, because I understand that this is a very broad subject and everyone is different. These are all based on my experiences or experiences of people I know, and so obviously, there are some things that would help me and not someone else, so always remember to never assume.
One final thing you can do, on a more national scale, is sign this pledge to end the stigma against mental illnesses, because a lack of understanding and knowledge leads to misinformed opinions which can be highly damaging.
*Obviously this isn't an invitation to make jokes. There is a difference between me making jokes about something I'm struggling with, and someone ELSE making jokes about something I suffer with, if that makes any sense whatsoever.
